You never say, "I’m gonna fight you, Steve." You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I rarely get along with people I don’t like. For me, there are no in betweens: it’s either I hate you or I like you — passionately. Those people whom I nothing means I have no opinion of them to care enough to associate an emotion to them. And no, my dislike for a lot of people is not just plain I-am-better-than-everyone-else-and-their-mothers-combined snobbery. I just happen to have poor judgment when it comes to people. Take Nes, for example, whose first words were “Tangina mo, Mara! Meron din akong t-shirt na yan! (You son of a bitch, Mara. I have that exact same shirt!)” when I walked in to our Biopsych class wearing a Hogwarts crest merchandise t-shirt that she probably got from SM Department Store. She should have made it on my hit list. Initially, that was plan — quick and easy character assassination. So quiet that she’ll never know what hit her. But several occurrences of our prancing around town in our Sto. Nino costumes, and we’re almost twins who got separated at birth. We can read each other’s minds.

So what is a person with poor people-reading skills to do, seeing that she graduated with a Psychology degree, but still does not have enough “How much shall a person piss Mara” gauge? Although a little disclaimer first: Psychology does not teach its students to read people. It teaches how to predict behavior. By predicting behavior, a person’s actions can be assessed, in turn, predict personality. Well the answer is simple, I judge you by your pets.

It’s an age-long cliche that dogs hate cats and vice versa. It is also a long-running email spam that owners take pets that they look similar to. But beyond looks, beyond cliches, your pet/s is who you are.

This certain epiphany came unto me on a caffeine-induced morning of mind-numbing biochemisty journal editing. I was minding my own business, editing gene codes according to house style, contemplating why I hate so many people, and when I say people, some of them are my friends, when it hit me: I don’t get along with cat persons.

Dogs are warm and stinky animals. They are needy yet friendly. I once had a dog who wagged his tail while his executioner shot him in the head and had him for pulutan afterwards. Dogs are loyal as long as they remember that you’re the one who feeds them; it’s Pavlov’s fault (Lipayon, 2008). Dogs are a fountain of endless useless, but you have to admit, amusing, pet tricks. Cats are too proud to be trained. Dogs are boisterous loud beings; cats are stealth. It is scientifically proven that an adult dog’s mental capacity is just the same as a two-year-old human; having a dog is like having a child that doesn’t grow up. Having 5 means having quintuplets.

Cats are prisses who think they are way beyond everyone, even their masters, and have no ounce of affinity to their owners. Unlike dogs who are needy, cats utilize their owners only for food and shelter. You do not see cats bringing its owners slippers and today’s paper when they get home. You have to grovel for a cat’s attention, and when you earn a cat’s affection, only then will it let you touch them. I say they weren’t held enough by their parents when they were younger. Cats have impeccable hygiene, but we all know their poop stinks worse than dogs. Cats will not take a bullet for their owners.

But the point of it all, if you haven’t guessed it from my blatant attack of the other species, is that I am a dog person. People who likes cats rub me the way a too close for comfort officemate does. I am not saying that cat people are generally all around bad people that shouldn’t be trusted because they are uppity and think too highly of themselves. Cat persons are human, too. I may have acquainted myself with a few cat persons, and they are cool, but I woudn’t invite them to my 50th wedding anniversary.

I stick to my people, the dog people – the people who get excited about a trip and then shifts to sadness when they realize there are still 4 months to go before we leave; the people who wake up at 5-freakin’-AM to get ready for work, only to be sidetracked by puppies on their garage, making them 2 minutes late for work for the third time in a week; the people who refer to their dogs as humans and give them human names, making you believe that they have been actually talking about someone you know. These are the people I associate with, the stinky, easily distracted, and too attached to their masters people.

Cats can be nice. You can prove me wrong if you want, or you may not, seeing that you are better than us. But please be warned that I am predisposed to hate you at initial contact.

I know you wouldn’t care, but this is what I’ll watch.

Let’s teach kids to read!

Wind Turbines, FTW! Birds, FTL?

Obama vs. McCain

Shame on you for getting wet, now who will dry your eyes?

Monday, September 8, 2008

I recently heard about Milk and Mixture from a plurk by Ms. Dre. After heading out to the site, I was instantly hooked. It combined two of my favorite things in the world: soap and food (not that I eat soap-flavored food). But wait! There’s more. It’s food-flavored soap!

The site is catchy enough, and testimonials from buyers look legitimate enough. So I ordered.But first let me tell you about the grueling, EQ-testing, can-of-whoop-ass-opening task of getting my orders. In the seller’s defense, she already announced on the website that due to a play she’s doing and because of bulk orders, deliveries will most likely be delayed for the month of August. I just happened to order on that month and hurrah! It took the whole month for me to finally get my hands on these suckers.
But here’s my side. Mrs. Dre was right. The obvious lack of following up on the seller’s part is a major turn off. I’m just really trying to rationalize that maybe, MAYBE, the owner has a lot of things going on for her, being a stage actress (perhaps. I’m just assuming) amidst owning a budding beauty product company. But isn’t it SOP to AT LEAST send your costumers the tracking number of their purchases? So after 2 consecutive holidays, a storm, a mix up with my carry of addressee, on August 31, I finally bathed, washed, and moisturized with my Milk and Mixture products.

Now on to the nitpicking!

We all know that aside from hoodies and metal detectors, beauty products is one of things that we should not use especially when it’s home made. But I, being the “It’s a FIRE!!!!…sale” dunce that I am, I made the beeline into ordering Milk and Mixture stuff when I read that they are having a three for two sale on the body scrub, the product that I initially planned to buy, the product that reeled me in. But after some browsing and obsessing, my order soon included a facial scrub and a moisturizer.

I was really excited about the concept of food as scented soap (like it has never been done before, but whatevs) that I had such expectations for this product. Because I had my orders delivered to a friend’s house (and I had to painstakingly wait 2 weeks before we can meet and have her hand it to me), I even made her smell the products one by one and have her describe to me how they smell. Yes, that’s how low my EQ is.

I’m not really sure if said friend, whose sense of smell is really keen, was trying not to burst my bubble, but she never said anything to make me want to have my dirty little paws on my orders less (like 2 weeks of waiting isn’t antagonizing enough). So you can say that I am peeing with excitement when she finally gave me a white plastic bag with five plastic containers of dessert-flavored beauty products.

The products actually look smaller than they seem on the pictures on multiply. Being the Queen of Misestimations, I thought the containers would be bigger. But duh, 150 grams, that’s not too much. I am impressed though that the containers are a bit thicker than the standard-issued Star Margarine vials that home-made products usually go in. And I notice that because I am a dork.

I must say that I was planning on writing a completely different review about Milk and Mixture because of not-so-coordinated deliveries, a night coming from a sweaty rock concert, and 20 hours of operating on caffeinated drinks does not make Mara a very happy girl.

But here goes. My initial reaction to home M&M smells is this “WTF! This does not smell like food…AT ALL.” I was so ready to junk this online buying experience into my “looked good online, crap in actuality” bin, but I, being the loving and understanding person that I am, did not.

I am glad that I didn’t because it took me three separate baths to actually appreciate M&M. No, it’s not making myself believe that I just spent 500 pesos or so on crap, which won me over. M&M products do actually smell like desserts (smelling like food being the most important thing for me, as you have noticed) when used.

Crumble (body scrub): Gingerbread. Gingerbread was my and my friend’s least favorite of all three body scrubs that I ordered (Chocolate Amaretto and Appe Spice Torte were the other two). The scent was overpowering and I initially thought it smells like an ointment. But lo and behold! Gingerbread actually smells like baked goods after I used it and started scrubbing. It is as if I let my next door neighbor do her baking right beside me while I was showering (bad mental image) because it smells soooo good. I just wish the scent would last longer, even after you have washed, dried, and toweled off. I went to a mall-wide sale without applying my usual body butter, made my way through crowds, got rained on, sweated like a pig, and I still went home with skin as soft as a baby’s bum. I kid you not!

Souffle (facial scrub): Cinnamon Vanille. I concur. This facial scrub, just like its body scrub counterpart, makes your face feel softer after every wash. It did not make my skin feel tighter, which I have read means you skin is drying, after I used it. I am just not too crazy about the scent and I am not too confident on using it on the money maker.

Moist (moisturizer): Milk and Cream. I absolutely don’t care about facial moisturizers in general so I don’t know why I bought one. It’s probably because of the marketing scheme “works best when used with moisturizer” tag line that came with the facial scrub that got me. So what am I to do but gobble up the marketing ploy and buy a bottle. I swear, I am a marketing officer’s wet dream.

In conclusion, I would definitely, definitely order again from M&M (mostly just body scrubs and body butters perhaps). Would I recommend this to people? Yes. Get one. I am not exactly bananas over it (except for Gingerbread), yet, but it’s a good buy.

Because I want to know.